Don’t dichotomize your spiritual and sexual life. Sex
in marriage is a wonderful gift to be nurtured and enjoyed. Growing
sexually with your husband is a godly pursuit. Therefore get
in the habit of praying about sex and praising God for this gift
as much as you would (or more) for other areas of life and other
godly pursuits; e.g. spiritual disciplines, evangelism, missions,
serving others, etc. Remember, marriage comes before ministry.
Fill your mind with God’s perspective on sex. We grow
up in a culture that abuses sex and we tend to be on our guard
sexually. Then we get married and that same “on guard”
attitude can linger. Therefore get a hold of several good Christian
books on marital sex and read them regularly. You don’t
read the Bible just once. Sex is very important to a marriage
and you should fill your mind on a regular basis with knowledge
and insights that will enhance your sex life. Read the Song of
Solomon and I Corinthians 7:1-9 from time to time. Don’t
limit your reading to Christian books. If a book promotes monogamy
it probably has many insights that are worthwhile. (e.g. John
Gray’s series on “Mars and Venus”).
Keep reminding yourself your husband views sex differently
than you. Sex is paramount in your husband’s mind. That’s
the way God made him and you shouldn’t judge him for it.
He’s sight-oriented and focuses more on physical attraction
and the sexual act. You are relationship-oriented and focus more
on the whole relationship. The more you can demonstrate your
sensitivity to your husband’s viewpoint, the more he will
be willing and excited about developing your relationship, more
non-sexual affection, and better communication.
Keep yourself beautiful to your husband. Its amazing how
some women are meticulous about how they look when they are single
and then don’t seem to care after they are married. Usually
this is a gradual process. Remember your husband is sight-oriented.
He has to work very hard to maintain self-control in a sea of
sexual messages and sexy bodies in provocative clothing. Seeing
his attractive wife looking her best on a regular basis is a
tremendous encouragement to him. You don’t have to be dressed
to the hilt all the time or go over the line provocatively. Find
a balance. Learn what your husband likes about styles and make-up
for public dress, as well as lingerie and sexy wear for private
dress.
Evaluate to what level you are inhibited sexually. If you
aren’t, then praise God. If you are to any degree, know
God wants you to grow less inhibited. But don’t be hard
on yourself. If you’re inhibited it’s probably because
of a less than affirmative attitude about sex in your upbringing
and/or part of your personality. If you were sexually active
before marriage it could be some guilt-issues over that. Explore
the roots of your inhibition and ask God to slowly heal you to
be free to enjoy sex with increasingly more creativity and passion.
Train your husband to turn you on. Your husband should be
reading about how to make sex as exciting as possible for you.
A lot of this will be relationship and communication issues.
Regularly communicate to him which of these are important to
you and affirm him when he makes progress. Yet bedroom technique
is still very important. He must become a student of what turns
you on, so, over time, tell him in detail what excites you, where
and how to kiss and touch you, how much pressure, etc, etc. Don’t
expect him to know everything! Every woman is different. Use
the positive-feedback approach when correcting his touch. “Hmmm,
that’s nice, but like this is even better.”, rather
than “Don’t do it like that…” Your goal is
regular sexual satisfaction and frequent orgasms, not an orgasm
every time. It’s normal and fine for a woman not to feel
the need to come to orgasm every time. Yet your goal of sexual
satisfaction and regular orgasms on your time terms will cement
your relationsh! ip in a wonderful way.
Train yourself to turn him on. You must become a student
of your husband’s sexual desires and turn-ons. He will probably
be open to more creativity and variation than you. That’s
OK. Learn what he likes and desires. If you have a problem with
something, discuss it and agree to not do anything that either
person is not comfortable with. (Anything a husband and wife
do together is good as long as it doesn’t harm physically,
emotionally or mentally). On the other hand, if you are uncomfortable
with something, explore the reasons why and ask God to change
you if necessary. You will go a long way if, on occasion, you
take turns asking this question: “Now, tell me exactly how
I can please you tonight.” Or “Is there anything you
would like me to do I haven’t done in a while or that would
be a completely new thing?” This practice will open up each
of you to be free, open, and less inhibited.
Don’t let it get boring. Related to #7, if you don’t
develop a creative, free and uninhibited sex life, it’s
guaranteed that it’s only a matter of time that your husband
will get bored sexually and temptations will enter in. Work hard
to not let this happen. Again, let God in every area of your
life and ask Him to help you since it’s usually (but not
always) the woman who is more content to put up with a boring,
predictable, same-old-thing sex life. The church has a lot of
teaching against adultery (and rightly so). Unfortunately it
often has too little teaching on the roots of adultery, one of
which is a lack of attention on the most important matters to
the man and woman—relationship/communication for the woman
and good, clean, fun, and creative sex for the man!
Come to terms with questionable sexual practices. Where in
scripture does it condemn oral sex? The answer is nowhere. Don’t
take this writers word for it. The Christian books, Intimate
Issues, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, and The Gift of
Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner, have good studies on this.
The truth is oral sex is an incredibly exciting and wonderful
sexual practice that most married couples enjoy including Christians.
If you have an aversion to it, fine. Neither be hard on yourself
nor look down on others who don’t. But don’t be passive
about this either. Be proactive in learning about it and pray
for God to change whatever is necessary in your mind (If your
husband has an aversion to giving you oral sex, he should do
the same thing). If you can develop the practice of giving your
husband regular doses of skillful oral sex, he will be thrilled
to the core. If you can train him to give you slow and deliberate
oral sex when you are in the mood, you will be th! rilled to
the core. In this writers’ opinion, only if both agree that
they don’t want to pursue oral sex should it be shelved
altogether, for in Philippians scripture says, “…don’t
look only to your own interests, but also to the interests of
others.” Other questionable areas like certain positions,
fulfilling sexual fantasies, and anal stimulation should be approached
this same way.
Buy a book or booklet on marriage, sex and sexual technique
on occasion. One way to show your husband you are focusing on
the one thing that looms largest in his mind regarding marriage
is to buy books on sex occasionally. Don’t let him be the
one to always buy such things. Don’t be afraid to buy a
sexual technique book that is not explicitly Christian as long
as it encourages faithful, monogamous sex. If you feel your husband
is not understanding your relationship/communication needs, buy
one that deals with that and read it in his presence and ask
him to check it out. If you start reading a book entitled, “How
to drive your man crazy in bed” in his presence, as assuredly
as the sun will rise tomorrow and it’s true that God so
the loved the world that He sent Jesus, he will have your full
attention at that moment. And if you tell him if he’s a
good boy you’ll try a few of the suggestions, you could
probably get him to eat out of your hand and wait on you hand
and foot! Th! is is also true of lingerie. Don’t be afraid
to ask him what kind of lingerie he’d like you to buy.
Make your marriage truly your number one priority, apart
from your relationship to God. Christian couples often get lazy
about developing their marriage relationship. Over time, other
pursuits become more important, even godly ones. The truth is
that if you put a disproportionate amount time into anything—including
evangelism and missions or other ministry activity—over
the time you put into your marriage, it is out of God’s
will. Therefore you must be proactive in working at your marriage
and sex life. Don’t say to yourself, “the man is the
spiritual head, he should lead in this.” If he’s not
leading, you take the lead. If he is leading, don’t wait
for him to bring up an issue, do it yourself. Each person is
responsible for loving their spouse and building their marriage
regardless how active the other person is. For women this means
preparing yourself mentally and physically for regular sexual
union. “I’m too busy and always tired”, you say.
That’s no excuse. Carve out t! ime to get ready for romance,
to spend time together, to do mutually enjoyable activities together,
and have sexual union. Drop activities and responsibilities,
even spiritual ones, if necessary. For sex, this means allowing
for three types of sex. (1) The long, luxurious sexual adventures
(if you have children, nights at a hotel or weekends away), (2)
The normal 20 –30 minute encounter, and (3) what some call
“quickies.” Because men normally want more frequent
sex than women, you must find a happy medium and be willing to
minister to your husband through occaisional quick sex at times
when things are too busy to get prepared and take the time, but
he’s hungry nevertheless! Allowing for this will do wonders
to encourage a man that his wife truly loves him enough to give
him a few moments of passion even if she probably won’t
be tuned in to having an orgasm herself.
Remember, you reap what you sow. If you sow a lazy attitude
towards marriage and sex, you’ll reap a lousy marriage.
If you sow a boring, predictable, same-old-thing sex life, you’ll
reap a frustrated, inattentive husband. This works both ways.
If your husband sows inattentive, unaffectionate, unhelpful and
unromantic practices, he’ll reap a wife not interested in
sex and his own frustrations. But what is your responsibility
if your husband isn’t proactive? Isn’t it to love the
husband unconditionally with the Lord’s help? In a perfect
marriage, a husband and wife take equal steps toward each other
to meet each others needs. What some wives don’t realize
is how powerful good sex is in getting a man in touch with his
relationship side. The more he feels loved sexually, the more
he opens up to meet the affectionate, romantic, and communication
needs of his wife. So if you sow an uninhibited, creative sex
life, you’ll reap a more romantic husband. If you sow regular
doses of ! what turns him on—often it’s oral sex the
way he likes it—you’ll reap a more affectionate husband.
If you sow sexual variety that’s restricted only by true
biblical mandates, you’ll reap a more communicative mate.
If you sow a commitment to put lots of time and mental energy
into your marriage, with Spirit of God inside you to enable you,
you’ll reap a wonderful marriage. If you are lucky enough
that both of you make this commitment, you’ll reap a marriage
made in heaven. Michael is a free-lance writer and graphic
designer who writes on a variety of subjects and provides writing
and designs services through his company, Promotional Designs
( http://members.home.net/promodesigns/Welcome.htm ). He has
a vision to see Christian marriages flourish.
